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"I'm calling Your Mother!" Boundary-Setting with Your Child's Teachers
- by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
Have you ever gotten a call from your child's teacher that threw you into a real tailspin? Are you tempted to rescue your child from the consequences he creates? Do you try to control the choices he makes? Do you sometimes wonder if you're getting too involved?
Your children's school is second to your family in its influence in your children's lives, if only by virtue of the amount of time they spend there. Obviously, a successful school experience is more likely for children when relationships between the home and the school are positive, cooperative, and supportive. Therefore, parental involvement is crucial.
And yet, the school provides excellent opportunities for children to grow and develop outside your direct influence. So, how can you balance the need to be involved in your children's school lives with the need to allow your children to develop independence and responsibility in their relationships outside the family?
I first encountered these issues as an educator: Several years ago, when I was new to teaching, I had a problem with a student in one of my classes. Billy rarely participated in discussions or completed seatwork he was assigned. When all my pleading, nagging, threatening, and punishing failed to get him to work, I pulled out the big guns: "That's it! I'm calling your mother!"
I explained the problem to Mrs. Warwick and she thanked me for calling. I told her that none of my methods were working and asked her to help. Mrs.Warwick was interested in Billy's misbehavior and understanding of my own frustration, but insisted that Billy learn to be accountable for his responsibilities at school. She suggested that it was therefore necessary for Billy and me to work it out together. "He's your student," she said, and politely ended the conversation.
Had you asked me, at the time, I'm sure I would have explained my purpose in contacting Mrs. Warwick as something along the lines of "bridging the home-school communications gap" or "alerting the parent to a potential concern." So, how could I account for the indignance I felt at Mrs. Warwick's response? After all, it's the parent's responsibility to make Billy perform and behave well at school, right? Wrong!
Part of a child's education is facing the consequences of his behaviors. While the parent may be responsible for establishing and maintaining limits at home, if the behaviors occur at school, then it's the school's responsibility to enforce its own consequences. In truth, I was trying to get Mrs. Warwick to assume responsibility for my problem. My annoyance came from her refusal to do so.
Sure, I'd had other parents, in similar situations, assure me that "it will never happen again!" And at the time I was relieved that they were willing to "fix" my problem and punish their children for something they had never actually witnessed. I didn't realize that I was relying on the fact that the parents would often react out of their own shame, taking it out on the kids for "making them look bad." Somehow, it all seemed to be within the bounds of my role as an educator, and my perceived sense of their roles as the parents of my students.
It's no wonder so many parents cringe when they get a note or a call from the school. Increasingly I'm finding teachers who communicate with parents when things are going great, sending home "good notes" and progress reports with a positive orientation. But what about when there is a problem?
Some teachers are skilled at informing parents of problems in non-threatening, non-blaming ways. But what if your child's teacher sees his own success tied to his students' behaviors and performance? What if he sees you as an ally in his efforts to "get" the child when the child messes up? How do you set limits in your relationship with the adults who figure so prominently in your child's school life?
There is a fine line between boundary-setting and apparent indifference. My black-and-white thinking led me to arrogantly assume that Mrs. Warwick simply didn't care. Of course she cared. She also wanted to know how-and what-Billy was doing in school.
But involvement doesn't mean enmeshment, and from this parent I learned that it is possible, practical, and healthy for parents to be involved and still be separate. In fact, the idea of "separateness" is probably the single most important issue-and tool-in dealing with conflicts between your child and the school.
Most of us wrestle with discovering where we end and where other people in our lives begin. Seeing oneself as separate is a challenge for anyone, and especially so for parents. Yet, the ability to be separate-and allow your child to be separate-is what allows you to support your child, to help her learn responsibility and problem solving, and to accept her unconditionally, regardless of what's going on at school.
A good sense of "your separate self" will also allow you to overcome old people-pleasing issues that come up when the school calls. For enmeshed parents, the image of the "good parent" collapses with a call about a problem: the child's failure becomes the parent's failure. With the contact comes feelings of shame and frustration that can trigger a strong reaction, often in the hopes of reinstating the image of parental control and competence.
Remember, you can still be a great parent even if your child has a problem. You can even be a great parent when the school says your child is a problem. In fact, you can be a great parent even if you don't react in a way that you imagine the school wants you to react! You can determine your role in the conflicts that arise between your child and his teachers. This means setting clear, consistent boundaries with the school. Good boundaries allow you to adopt the role of listener, observer, and even mediator, without having to defend the child or punish him, without having to make anyone wrong, and without ending up in the middle of something that, in reality, belongs to someone else.
Here's an example: Let's say the school calls to tell you that your daughter cut class. You did not see her cut and the only evidence of this behavior is the phone call from the school. What is your role in this situation?
Let's say you confront your child and she admits to having cut class. Is it your job to punish her for this infraction? Wouldn't that be doing the school's job? This really isn't between you and your child-it's between her and the school (and, boy, will it take a good sense of separateness to avoid falling into the middle of this one!).
In your dealings with the school, you may ask them to clarify the consequences of cutting class. If the consequence is a phone call home, they've done their job and, by listening, you've done yours. If their call is somehow loaded with the expectations that you "do something" about the problem, you still don't need to assume responsibility for the problem or do anything to hurt the child.
In fact, unless you've set your own consequences for cutting class ahead of time, you don't have to do anything at all!
Except, perhaps, to let go. To love and accept your child, even though you do not love and accept her class-cutting behavior. (Perhaps it's time to set some consequences now for future infractions.) And, if the school does have consequences, to allow those consequences to take place, even though you may hate to see your child sit in detention, lose grade points, or miss the game on Saturday. (The fairness of the consequence, unless it's overtly abusive, is not the issue-the fact of the consequence is.)
You can also help your child by asking her if she's willing to continue to risk the consequences (the school's or your own) by repeating the misbehavior. If yes, there may be little you can do except, perhaps, develop other motivators for not cutting that are more meaningful than the ones that already exist. If no, you can ask her to plan what she might do the next time she's tempted to cut class, or to decide what she wants from school and howshe's most likely to get it.
If your child swears up and down that she never cut school in her life, you can still avoid getting in the middle and having to choose between her and the school by focusing on the issue at hand: "You're being accused of cutting. How can you prove that you were on campus?" And allow the child to solve the problem or deal with the consequences.
Regardless of the type of problem, when someone from the school calls, you can always respond by asking for additional information: What are the rules in this situation? What are the consequences for what he's doing? Was he informed of the rules and consequences ahead of time? What are his options now?
You can leave the problem in your child's lap and help guide him through its solution by asking him similar questions, as well as asking for a plan for "next time." If his stock answer is "I don't know," you can ask him how he can find out. Or, you can make yourself available to talk further when he decides. Remember, children learn far more from actually experiencing consequences than they do from warnings, lectures, and advice.
If the school calls because your child isn't doing something, you might suggest motivators that work for you or those you see as meaningful to him. If the school is calling for ideas, they'll see your response as helpful; if they're calling to ask you to motivate him, your response will set a boundary and gently place the responsibility back with the school.
You can support the limits, motivators, and consequences that the school provides by setting your own for your child's behavior. Even if the school has no consequences for particular school-related behaviors that are important to you, you might offer special privileges in connection with completing homework assignments, maintaining certain grades, or bringing in positive comments on progress or conduct reports, for example.
Of course, to support the goals of the school, it's helpful to find out what they are. In some cases, the school-or certain teachers-may contact you with a newsletter or note about their limits, rules, rewards, and so on. If youhave any questions, ask.
Also, ask your children. Questions about individual teacher's rules, preferences, and pet peeves are great dinner-time conversation starters and can help you guide even young children through related questions, such as: What do you need to do to succeed in this class? When do you think you'll need to use extra self-control? What sort of things do you have choices about? What do you want to get from this class? What are you willing to do in exchange?
It'll always be easy to have expectations, about how the schools-or your children-should act. Yet reality rarely reflects "shoulds," wishful thinking, or unexpressed boundaries or expectations. And conflicts that inevitably arise between your children and their teachers will certainly tempt you to judge, advise, solve, defend, restrict, or even deny. Keep in mind that these behaviors can ultimately interfere with the goal of teaching your children to be self-caring, independent problem solvers.
Hang in there, even as you let go. For the more you are able to be there to support and guide your children without rescuing them or doing their problem-solving for them, the better able they will be to ultimately handle life responsibly when there isn't another adult around to support and guide them.
Hints for handling conflict with your child's teachers:
# Build your relationship with the educators in your child's life during a non-conflict time. Don't wait for a problem to arise. If possible, visit the school early in the year to meet with your child's teacher and administrators (principal, vice principal, dean of students, etc.).
# In your initial contacts, ask about their goals and expectations, rules and limits. Find out how often, and under what circumstances, you can expect to hear from them.
# Make sure the school has information about your schedule and availability. If it's not OK to call you at work except for emergencies or if you prefer a particular time for phone conferences, let them know.
# Focus on the positive. When you're so moved, send the school "good notes" that comment on the time someone has taken with your child, the excitement she's inspired, her patience or planning, or even the bulletin boards! Teachers-and administrators-receive precious little recognition as it is. Letting them know when you appreciate something they've done will go a long way.
# Avoid speaking for your child, even if he's very young. Contribute your observations, needs, or personal experiences, and encourage your child to express his own.
# Avoid defending or making excuses for your child, as well as the overwhelming temptation you might have to rescue him from the consequences of poor choices he makes.
# Avoid automatically taking the teacher's side. Do your best to stay out of the middle.
# Listen.
# Know that your child will continue to meet and have to deal with different individuals throughout her life. You can help her develop the flexibility to succeed in a variety of relationship settings by asking questions like, "What does this particular teacher expect from the students?" or "What do you need to do to take care of yourself in this class?" If a teacher calls to discuss a problem, ask for specifics: "What is he doing?" "When did this start?" "How often does this happen?" "What are your consequences for this type of behavior?" If necessary, ask the teacher to refrain from making judgments about the worth of your child, and stick to thespecifics of his behavior.
# When a teacher calls to tell you about a problem, you might ask, "What would you like from me?" Be prepared to let him know what you are and aren't willing to do in any given situation. It's not unreasonable to expect the school to have its own consequences for the rules it establishes. And it's OK to refuse to punish a child for an infraction you did not witness-or to refuse to even "talk to him" with the intention of getting him to change-even though you can be supportive and understanding of all parties involved.
# Avoid becoming defensive or, if possible, feeling the need to prove your competence as a parent. Likewise avoid allowing an educator-or the feelings that you experience in a school contact-to shame you into hurting your child. If a teacher becomes angry or abusive with you, it's appropriate-as it is in any relationship-to break off the exchange until cooler heads prevail. Let the teacher know when, or under what conditions, you'll be willing to resume the discussion. If necessary, request an intermediary or bring one of your own.
# Be aware that chronic misbehavior may indicate hidden problems-either at home or at school. Consider counseling and/or testing when necessary (but keep your focus on solutions, not blame.)
# Keep track of contacts with the school-positive and negative. In meetings with teachers and administrators, it may be a good idea to take notes to keep track of what was discussed and planned. This information can really be helpful in following up progress in future meetings.
# Ask for feedback from the teacher and be reasonable in your requests. Teachers have more than enough to do (and anywhere from 20 to 200 other students to deal with). While most will be happy (or at least willing) to let you know how your child is progressing, please don't pressure the teacher for anything that takes more than a few seconds. Avoid approaching a teacher reactively. Keep the focus on how you can all get what you want. Attack the problem-not the person!
# Respect teacher's boundaries by not asking them to punish or withhold privileges from your children for infractions that occurred at home. Just as you refuse to allow teachers to make you responsible for solving problems they are having with your children, avoid involving the school when your kids neglect their chores, wet the bed, or break curfew. (Although this may sound ridiculous to some parents, these are actual examples teachers have reported.)
# Handle problems your child brings home to you in much the same way: Listen, validate and appreciate his feelings, help him explore options, and ask him what he plans to do to solve the problem.
# Above all, let your children know-absolutely and unconditionally-that they are loved and worthwhile, no matter what.
A dynamic and entertaining speaker, Dr. Bluestein has worked with thousands of educators, counselors, administrators, health-care providers, criminal justice personnel and parents. Her down-to earth speaking style, practicality, sense of humor, and numerous examples make her ideas clear and accessible to her audiences.
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