Description: As happy as parents are to see our children go back to school, we sometimes worry:
Will my child behave in an acceptable manner? Will the teacher understand him? Will she make friends? Will he be picked on?
What many parents don't realize is that the key to healthy social interaction at school begins at home. How you treat your children at home determines how they will behave in public.
It's 8:30 p.m. on a Tuesday night and everyone is exhausted. Your eight year old has just announced that he has a math test tomorrow - and hasn't studied. He has spent the last two hours playing on the computer. You feel like hitting him!
Sometimes we may feel like hitting our children, but, in the long run, hitting doesn't work.
In fact, physically punishing children causes a wide range of developmental problems; and may lead to aggressive and antisocial behaviours such as bullying.
A child's development might be affected by physical punishment in many ways, the child might:
* be injured (very common). * experience fear, anxiety, insecurity and anger. * not trust the parent and the parent-child bond is impaired. * experience depression, unhappiness and feelings of hopelessness. * be more concerned about the effects of his behaviour rather than how it affects others. * learn to use aggression to solve problems.
From physical punishment, a child is more likely to learn aggression, retaliation, intimidation and bullying. From positive discipline, however, a child tends to learn self-control, problem-solving, communication and empathy. 12 proactive strategies to guide children's behaviour
In raising children, the role of parents and caregivers is to give children the skills, competence and confidence they need throughout their lives. To do this successfully, adults need to guide and discipline children. As well as explaining what drives parents to physical punishment, the Joint Statement offers parents and caregivers information about how to teach their children appropriate social behaviour (discipline) using non-physical techniques that work. Parents and caregivers resort to physical punishment because they may:
* feel frustrated and angry that the child won't obey. * not have a good understanding of child development and expect too much. * have been physically punished as a child and may fall back on this method. * not be aware of any effective alternatives. * be depressed or under a lot of stress. * approve of physical punishment.
For example: An adult repeatedly asks a toddler to stop doing something. When the child does not stop, the adult believes the child is being defiant. The adult feels his or her authority is challenged, gets angry and hits the child. What's really going on is something like this: The child is behaving normally for his age - expressing curiosity, seeking independence and unaware of danger.
Below are 12 strategies to help you plan ahead and create situations that make it easier for children and adults alike. In every situation, ask yourself "What can I do to reach and guide my children?"
In the grocery store, your child wants a treat. When you tell her no, she lies on the floor screaming. Model the behaviour you want to see in your children. How parents and caregivers themselves behave teaches more about acceptable behaviour than what they tell children to do. Try to stay calm and positive, even if you are upset. When things are difficult for children, let them know you understand. Tell them how pleased you are with their efforts.
You are trying to get dinner ready but your toddler keeps hanging on to your leg. Create environments where children can explore safely. Children are naturally curious. When children are in safe environments, parents and caregivers are less inclined to have to correct children's behaviour and less prone to becoming frustrated. The fewer times parents have to say "no" to children, the less apt parents are to become frustrated.
Your child is about to hit a sibling. Supervise young children. Children are natural explorers but don't have a solid sense of what is safe. When adults pay attention to what children are doing, many situations that increase frustration or lead to danger or a confrontation can be avoided.
Your child is jumping on and off the couch again and again. Distract young children from unsafe or unwanted behaviours. When children want to do things that are unsafe or undesirable, it is not enough to simply tell them what not to do. Children also need to know what activities and actions are okay. Clearly state the suitable actions you prefer.
Your child is having a tantrum about not being allowed to watch her favourite evening television program. You’ve said she has to go to bed early in order to get up early for her school field trip. Use words to explain and teach. Children respond best when they understand the reasons for adult decisions, such as cancelling a trip or delaying a purchase. This approach allows them to talk about their disappointment rather than angrily acting out.
Your child is having difficulty staying seated to complete his homework. Reward children's acceptable behaviour. Praise your children for their successes (particularly when tasks are difficult for them). Reward them by letting them know how pleased you are as a result. Children are delighted to know they have pleased you and will try doing it again. They will thrive on the positive attention, and so will you!
Your child has an important test at school the next day, but she won't leave her video game to study. Give children time to prepare for change. Children become absorbed in their play and interruptions can be upsetting. They need to have time to adjust when adults ask them to change activities.
The more adults approve of physical punishment, the more likely they are to resort to violence.
You are travelling as a family on a three-hour car trip. Plan ahead for situations that will be difficult. Often, adults expect children to behave as adults. But children are not little adults. They have short attention spans and like to be active. When you make plans, consider your child's needs. Plan strategies that work for you and your child.
You are going together to a crowded mall. Let children know ahead of time what you expect from them. Children need to know how adults expect them to behave. Knowing what is expected helps children prepare for new situations and meet adult expectations.
Your child wants to walk to school by herself. Respect children's need for independence. As children grow and develop, they look for ways to stretch their limits. Parents may be fearful when children take risks that challenge their skills and courage, but they need to respect their need for independence and balance it with their safety.
The fewer times parents have to say "no" to children, the less apt parents are to become frustrated and lose control.
When you tell your child that you have to go away for a week on a business trip, she starts to cry and cling to you. Listen to children's points of view and help them find ways to express themselves. When adults listen to what children have to say about different things, children feel valued and respected. The ability to talk clearly about what they think and feel takes practice. Adults may sometimes have to probe gently to help children express themselves. Young children often may express their feelings with actions. Adults can help children find words that parallel their actions.
Your child complains about having to set the table. Teach children fairness and justice. Children have a keen sense of what is fair and unfair for them. Adults can help children develop empathy - a sense of what is fair and unfair for others by helping them to see things from the other person's point of view. Children who have a strong sense of empathy tend to be kind and considerate to others. The Out-of-Control Child
* When nothing seems to work and your child loses control, give her space to collect herself. * Stand between him and the rest of the world - but at a safe distance. Don't try to move him. * Don't confront her. To keep her from feeling trapped, stand sideways, compose your face, and don't look her in the eye. * Don't talk. He isn't ready to listen yet. * When she's calm, talk to her quietly. Help her to name her feelings ("You were pretty angry") and to distinguish between feelings and actions ("It's okay to feel angry, but it's not okay to throw chairs"). Let her know that you love her, and help her to think about how she can solve the problem next time.
Hungry, tired and stressed
Just like adults, children lose their ability to stay in control when they are tired, hungry or have not had any time to unwind.
It helps to plan ahead and create situations that make it easier for children to behave in the ways adults want.
By planning ahead to meet children's needs, adults can often prevent these situations from arising. When children do lose control, think about whether they are hungry, tired or stressed. Whether the answer is yes or no, stay in control yourself. Pay attention to your needs for food, rest, and relaxation. Learning friendly behaviour
Children cannot develop the social skills they need to succeed without positive adult guidance. This is not an easy task. But parents and caregivers who guide their children using positive and proactive approaches will find that the path to acceptable behaviour is less difficult. When children spend time with adults whose approach to life is fair, positive and active, they learn that approach also. These children learn to communicate, to develop self-control, to solve problems and to understand the world from points of view other than their own. They are more likely to be the opposite of bullies – strong friends and allies of other children.
A Word about Time Out
"Time out" was once used as a way to punish children by isolating them from others. This is now not usually considered effective discipline. Time out can still be used, but never longer than a few minutes. Ideally, have children remain with you; needing to calm down is likely the time when they most need the physical presence of an adult. And, when you feel your own anger or frustration rising, why not take a "time out" yourself to calm down. This sets a good example, from which children learn how to manage their own anger and frustration.
Questions for parents and caregivers to consider
* Can I improve my problem-solving skills? * Do I look at things from the child’s point of view? * Should I learn more about child development? * Are there more effective ways for me to talk and listen to children? * Do I behave in the way I expect my child to behave? * Do I praise my child for good behaviour? * How do I manage my anger? Do I understand what triggers it and how to cool off? * Are things my family can do to reduce stress?
The link between physical punishment and bullying
Recently, a coalition of non-profit organizations published the Joint Statement on Physical Punishment of Children and Youth. The Joint Statement's definition of physical punishment is any form of punishment that relies on pain or physical discomfort to change a child's behaviour. In this carefully researched document, a strong link is made between the physical punishment of children by adults, and childhood aggression and antisocial behaviours like bullying.
In the short term, physical punishment may coerce some children into doing what they are told. But in the long term, physical punishment does not result in more obedience and there are no positive developmental outcomes. Further, there are many risks to physical punishment - some of them life-long.
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